How To Plan Your Big Escape...

First rule:

Tell no one.




Dammit!

Fail.

Will work on this and get back with you.

grin in the face of futility

I woke up yesterday morning with "tears in my ears". This is family speak for crying in bed. Had a bad dream. I am hurtling towards 40 so fast that my ears ache from the wind blow and I had a bad dream. Eloquent, I know.
I was dreaming of being a child again trying to talk reason to my mother. Noticing a pattern here? Yeah, me too. There is a Buddhist saying about life that fits here, and in the loosest of translations it says: "If you wanna to know about your past, look at your today. If you wanna to know about your future, look at your today." ugh. Looking back on my relationship with my mother is like trying to weed through reels of "Mommy Dearest" clips. Looking at my potential future with her reminds me that in my career I have solidly learned that Crazy Critical Entitled Old Ladies NEVER die.
In the grateful department, I did have one pair of fantastically strong and warm arms wrap around and hold me. He is such a good man. And, he whispered consoling words in my ear like, "don't worry love, I'm sure she'll drop dead any day now." Ok. Not really. But I'm sure he was thinking it for me. He's sweet that way.
I would love to tell you that after my mother broke the umpteenth kitchen spoon (or other nearby house hold kitchen utensil) over my head (or whatever other body part she could get to), or later when she bit me so hard that it left a pale imprint scar that even my best friend's mom could notice, I would have realized that she was no where to go for comfort, much less understanding. But seriously people, Sisyphus has got nothing on me. I have been rolling that hope right on up a hill for, well... lets just say slightly less than 40 years. That little girl in my dreams has just defiantly kept on with the hoping thing. But I think now the jig is up. She knows it. Knows it deep. Knows it in her bones. So this morning as my husband wrapped me up and went off to make coffee (yes, he is just that amazing) the little girl me, said "screw the rock, screw that hill, I'm going to have a beer."
So now that I am hurtling towards 40, the bones that hold this unhappy knowledge are, embarrassingly padded nicely. Eh-hem. No smirking. Let's just say I very nearly have the fat thing down, Mr. Buddha. I promise I'll start working on the inane grin.